Eternal cycle

I feel consumed by the environment. And it feels like the train is going in the wrong direction. I don’t feel good about it. This text is an attempt to get myself back on track with myself.

These days I feel like people around me compensate their struggles with alcohol, pills and whatnot. I am probably compensating with something too, but I can not connect with others at their moments of indulging in such affairs. Probably because my affairs are different these times. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to change my life for the better. But it never happens.

Whenever I get tired of people, I feel like I don’t belong here. Because I can not find a quiet personal space in such moments. This just happens time to time. Then my ex girlfriend is living around. Whenever she starts to be upset about me, if this happens in combo with the above, man, I just want to escape. I don’t know where to go in such moments.

Going prepared would require a fair amount of resources, which I do not possess. Not only money, but also feeling that I have enough energy, and it is the right thing to do, which is perhaps the most important. Logically I calm myself with the idea, that what I think about other places is completely different from the reality of things to be experienced. I may think of all the hardships, but the fear use to have big eyes. In reality the solutions are usually found on the go.

This morning I tried to pack my stuff. It was not fitting into a small bag so eventually I stopped. I realized that I don’t want to roam around with a big backpack. It catches too much attention. They will start stopping and checking me in the subway, train stations and other places. Like when I used to live in a car and stayed at a single place for several days, cops would come to ask questions. Like a couple of years ago, when I was walking in Sochi, searching for a place to stay. A random man came out of a random car at a random place. He showed me some gov agency documents and started to ask questions like why and where I go. He was meticulously searching my backpack. I think he was looking for drugs, because I looked like a hobo. Like nowadays, when I go to my church building job near Vyborg, they stop people and check bags on exit from the train station. They also check every car on the road there to check every male documents. I think they are loosing their minds about defectors who run from serving in the military into a neighbour Finland. And on many other occasions. All in all this country is crazy in its lust for control to say the least.

That is why I do not feel comfortable walking around with a lot of things and catch too much attention. I’ll have to hide myself and move from place to place, like I used to during some hard times. It feels better to avoid unnecessary attention from other people too. They always look for things that are less normal. Some may call the police. Some people are like scorpions, they just like to dig into the unknown. And I just want to have a calm private space in such moments.

Then the weather will change towards the winter. It will get cold and rainy. If I end up without a roof over my head, it will be a constant stress. I don’t even want to think about this. The winter around this area is not the most pleasant event. Wet snow, rain, slush and dampness. It would be better to have a car to live in.

I do not want to say how good are people around me, because I don’t need to look for excuses for my emotional struggles. There is just something deep inside, that wants some nature and peace, which I can not find around the place at the moment. And whenever it gets better, I'm sure the worse will follow too. It a cycle. I don’t know how long will I be able to live here in security of a home. How long will I be able to earn money for living the way I do now, with physically intense jobs. This place is like a perfect heaven to survive in a huge city on low resources.

I tried to pack these emotions all the morning. Then I started to write this text. Then, in the afternoon, I went outside with some business. Then gradually, towards the evening, I became calmer. And now I'm sitting in the same bean chair, feeling strong enough to go through my internal uncertainties. I’m getting back to this text, but may be it is too late to do anything useful. While those last paragraphs are being shaped, I think of my morning depression. And there seems to be no need to rush anything now. Some motivation appears to do some things. Some things normalize. But it is too late, I'll have to do some work next day. I'll probably get back to the miserable mood the very next morning, and the cycle will start all over again.

I can be logical and plan out how I’m going to improve now, from a calmer place. Kind of push myself forward even when I feel normal. Do some changes in life which will put me in a better position in front of any misery. Sounds like a great idea. But it is just an abstract thought and in reality I don't know what to change and how, not sure what I want to change and will I be able to change anything. There is some existential tiredness and numbness at this point. Motivation to solve my emotional struggles is not that high as in the morning. Back then it was based on the necessity. And now I just want to take a rest. I'm late for this bus. I'm falling into sleep.

May be tomorrow.. It is too late..