Authenticity

We react to other people perceiving us. Even random people on the street. Sometimes I notice my reactions. Confronted by an attention from other people I can do something like straighten the spine or put a mask, as if I'm a statue. Such a reaction feels out of place. It is like some kind of a fear movement. We can also act towards people or by ourselves in a way being conditioned by fears. Hence if my attitude is conditioned by some emotions I don't want to feel, like fear, some things are never communicated, ie. shame. This grows into a space of things we don't touch, and our actions quickly come into an opposition with the real desires.

It significantly distorts our actions and interactions, in between what we show and mean. It blurs the self in a way. Furthermore it distracts from authentic desires and impulses. Which is pretty sad to think of. I don't know to which extent, but I guess big enough to notice and blame. So I find it interesting to get rid of such distortions somehow. I think the main issue here is to notice "artificial" emotions, observing myself in a way. So they could be eventually released. Like giving more attention to my internal impulses and desires, instead of "pleasing" someone with the attention.

Now if we get closer to interactions with people, it might be a bigger problem. I know many people would not like my actions in different situations anyway, so I do not bother myself about this. Just doing what I do. However if some tension appears I do tend to escape from conflict situations. I usually try to focus on one thing that I'm doing at the moment. Some people would find it offensive too. That I don't give them enough attention. So if they get upset, then I often switch to lift them up somehow. Even if I don't feel like doing so at the moment, I can possibly forget myself and just feel what they feel and react. And then probably feel bad, because my emotion towards them was different and never expressed in the first place. Acting like this at the mercy of external, without giving attention to some anger or other emotions inside can feel like a cage.

Hence often times I would prefer to not even grab any attention at all. Just to continue living in my small shell of life. I think it is worth exploring this ugly part.